Saturday, August 17, 2013

Calling Ms. Gullible

Am I the only one fascinated by cosmetic commercials on television?  Obviously not, otherwise there would not be a bazillion of them on every channel on air.  I'm particularly interested in any, and all that promise to get rid of my crows feet, jowls, forehead craters and falling eyelids. 

I'm telling you, if I really was a millionaire, I would have a bottle, tube and jar of each.  I would have to build a new room onto my house just to accommodate them.

My newest intrigue in the cosmetic field is the lipsticks that are supposed to stay on your lips up to eight hours.  Oh my that wonderful or what.  No more lip marks on glassware, linen napkins and for that matter my teeth.  I thought for a very long time about buying a tube and trying it for myself, but thought with my lips thinning, creasing and becoming almost nonexistent, why bother.

Then, last week I went shopping with a friend.  Our favorite store just happens to have a substantial cosmetic department and I found myself being enticed to go there, (dang you Devil, dang you)...and, where did I end up?  Yep, right in front of a very famous name cosmetic company's lipsticks. 

Oooooh.  There they were, in colors so delicious they actually did look good enough to eat.  I stood there transfixed.  They called my name.  Dare I reach out and touch one?

Angel:  (Whispering into my left ear.)  "No, no, do not be tempted.  Do not touch, remember the serpent?  You know they will not work."
Devil:  (Snickering at Angel.)  "Don't listen to 'goodie two shoes', you know very famous name cosmetic company would not lie, go ahead, buy one."

And so it went for quite a while.  Eventually I did reach out and touch much to Angel's dismay.  It was red, bright red.  Bright red lipstick has always been my favorite.  Before I knew it, the bright red tube was in my cart. I thought Angel was going to cry, so I tried to appease her by buying a pink tube just for her.  Poof...she fled.  Devil of course, was delighted and was most anxious to get home and try out this stuff.

It seemed like an eternity, but eventually I got home and put all my purchases away.  It was time!  My stomach was churning with excitement and glee.  Devil (puffed up and full of himself) sat there on my right shoulder.  Eagerly I removed the protective covering from the red tube.  I sat down in front of my mirror and flipped it over to the 'magnifing' side. 

I pulled the applicator from the tube, it was covered with a liquid slightly thinner than the consistency of peanut butter.  I looked at Devil...did he really know what he was talking about.  I had my doubts.  But, since Vanity is my middle name, I could not resist and I began to apply this 'stuff' to my lower lip.

OMG...why, oh why, did I not listen to Angel.  This stuff went on in one thick, oozing blob.  It went w-a-a-a-y beyond the outline of my lower lip, and to my horror began to harden almost immediately.  Oooooh, if this stuff really did last for eight hours I was in serious trouble. And, to make matters worse, I had not even begun to apply this stuff to my upper lip.  I pursed my lips together, hoping some of the stuff on my lower lip would adhere to my upper.  It did not.  All that did was cause the hardening blob on my lower lip to crack.

Devil tells me I look great.  Yeah, right.

I figure I have no choice, so I apply the blob to my upper lip.  Serious mistake, because the wrinkles there are much more pronounced than those of my lower one, and that blob only caused bright red rivulets to form half way up to my nose.  I looked have no words.

I slap Devil silly.

I've got to get this stuff off me, I try tissues, some of it flakes off, but for the most part the rest is still attached to my lips.  I try water, a bit more comes off, and I noticed the rivulets had disappeared.  I decided if  I stayed indoors, and a few hours elapsed I might be able to chew the rest of the stuff off my lips without having to explain to the world what the heck, dumb thing I'd done.

So much for 8 hour lipstick!

The tubes of this 'miracle stuff' rested in my cosmetic drawer for days.  I put a check mark on the Devil's side for this purchase.  I've no idea why I continue to listen to him.

Then, one day, a day I knew there was 'fat chance in Hell' I'd be bumping into
anybody, friend or foe, I decided I would try the pink tube.  Having learned from experience, as soon as I extracted the applicator, I took a tissue and wiped off most of the blob and began to apply the lipstick to my lower lip.

I have to say I did have better control, however, the stuff dried so quickly I couldn't make a continuous flowing sweep, and the applicator kind of stuck to my
lower lip.  Eventually I was somewhat happy with the results of this effort and I decided to experiment to see if this stuff really would last eight hours.

It did not.  However, on the plus side, I could not find traces of it on my coffee mug, tissues, or my toast, but that could have been because there was so little of it on my lips to begin with.

So, here's the ad I'm working on, and going to run on the Net.

For sale:
Two slightly used 8 hour tubes lipstick.
Red   Pink
Best offer.

Here's my note to Angel:

Dear Angel,
Please return.  You are missed.
Next time I promise to listen.
As for you Devil...

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