Sheding Tears

It's November. 

November is my least liked month of the year.  I work hard to get through it, both physically and emotionally.  I can count on not feeling healthy for at least two weeks out of the month.  The older I get the longer it takes to recover.  This year, once again, the flu shot has had an effect on me.  I know, I know, the shot itself can't make me ill, yet (yes, this sounds crazy) something happens at the nape of my neck a few days after I get the shot, and it spreads out and up until it reaches the top of my head, from ear to ear, it hurts, not aches, it hurts to touch my head.  It is absolutely weird, like fluid had built up between my scalp and crainium bones, there's a pressure there.  Last year was especially bad because I was dizzy, my vision was affected, and I had panic attacks.  It was terrible.  This year I have the same symptoms, but now that I know what's going on, (a malaise) I'm better in control of the situation.

Emotionally, I've had a problem with November longer than I can remember.  I hate that everything dies, the days get short, dull, grey and wet.  I cry for absolutely no reason at all.  Happy tears, sad tears, miserable tears, angry tears...tears, tears, tears.  When I was going through my Discover Nature Phase, I came to better grips with November, when I 'discovered' the leaves 'had' to fall, because the buds for next year's growth were already formed and ready to burst forth with life come their season, whether that be January, February or March.  At first I didn't really believe this, I walked my yard checking shrub after shrub and tree after tree, and by golly, there they were, tiny buds, probably hundreds of thousands of them, sleeping, waiting for the sap to begin to creep up the roots, trunks and branches bringing the plants out of slumber.

However, this November, I've slipped back into my old melancholy, yesterday was really bad.  My head felt like it weighed a ton, and frankly I wished I had one of those collars to hold my head up.  And, I cried at postings on Facebook, my e-mail, stories on TV.  I was a train wreck.  So, I drowned myself in work.  I was going to make some key chains, but after spending days on this project Frankie came in and said "Bleck", so I abandoned that project, 'uncropped' all my illustrations and am now making refrigerator magnets instead.  I have to say they are lovely, each illustration will have an accompanying quote.  I should have this project done by the end of the week.  (I hope.)

Anyway, (whew) November is almost over, and I can take down my autumn decorations and begin to decorate for Christmas.  December is a joyful month.  Filled with celebration.  I can hardly wait.  I know I will slowly begin to feel better. Winter solstice happens and daylight slowly increases.  I'm optimistic business will begin to take off, and oh, those tiny buds will begin to swell with life.  Yesterday, as I was checking on my chickens, I looked down to see the Marsh Marigolds coming to life, tiny green, spade shaped leaves, creeping up through their blanket of fallen leaves. 

This morning I feel better, not great you understand, but better.  There are Marigolds, and buds, and birds, and rain, a roof over my head, food in my larder and income enough to pay the bills.

Life is good, life is sooo good.